Things You Will Not See My Son Wearing

Whoa. 'My son.' That still sounds crazy.

Anyway, this post has been in the works for a while because when I first found out I was pregnant, I decided to go to Target to buy a precious tiny outfit to psych myself up. The problem was, I went to Target and you couldn't have paid me to put my baby in 90% of what they had. OK maybe not 90... but there was enough obnoxious, heinous clothing there to leave a lasting impression.

My mom and I have had this amusing running joke of texting pictures back and forth of the most hideously tacky baby clothes we run across. I decided to share some of these with you so that you know not to ever buy these for my child. Here are some general ground rules of what my child will not be wearing, in order from least to most heinous.

1. Clothing With Stupid, Cheesy Sayings
There are plenty of otherwise perfectly innocuous - even cute! - baby clothes I have come across that are ruined by having stupid phrases on them. Case in point: the pajamas I saw with footballs on them (yay! I love football!) That I almost bought until I realized they said "Mama's Little Rookie" on the front. That's stupid. Same with baseball-themed clothing that says "Little Slugger," or anything that refers to the infant wearing the clothing as a "big guy," "cowboy," etc. When a child is wearing size 0-3 month clothing, the chance that he is either playing a sport, roping cattle out west, or in any way big, is slim. (Side note: this rule applies for baby girls with clothing that includes the words "princess," "angel," or - I kid you not - "diva.")

2. Clothing That Jokes About How Bad A Child Is
Um... so I'm trying to operate under the assumption that my child will be well-behaved. And in the event that he is the baby from hell, I refuse to celebrate this fact or put him in clothing that makes it seem cute when he is up at all hours and/or cries like a banshee. See the following examples:

Have you ever heard of a self-fulfilling prophecy? If your child does in fact have a big temper, why are you BROADCASTING it to the world? Not to mention the phrase "Little Dude" already excludes this outfit under Rule 1.

Hilarious use of urban street slang 'crib'... except they mean an actual crib, because it's on a onesie! How ironic of you, Old Navy! I'm sure when I'm actually up with my baby at 2:30 am and he wants to party and I want to sleep, the amusing pun on this outfit will give me a chuckle.

3. Clothing That Pretends Like My Infant Is Interested in Girls
I've seen a lot of this type of thing for both sexes. They make girl baby clothes with things like "Heartbreaker" written on them, and as you can see below, what they do for boys is make it seem like the little guy is bragging about how into him women are. Um, isn't it a little early for that? Can I wait til he has teeth to start thinking about finding him a woman?

Can we also talk about the fact that this was in a display of Easter-themed clothes and toys? Um, helloooo? EASTER IS FOR JESUS, not putting my child in clothes that make him look like a man whore. I'm not totally convinced this didn't actually wander down from the Abercrombie store across the way. 

Saw this gem in a Destination Maternity catalog. Can we say 'Oedipus complex'? Not to mention the 'hot babe' onesie next to it for girls. Flash forward 20 years and we've got a chick working the pole and her delighted customer. Just sayin.

4. Clothing That Jokes About Bodily Functions

Kids, we all know what babies do, especially when they are little. They eat, sleep, cry, and poop. Duh. I am fully prepared for this fact. However, why would I want to put my baby in clothing that calls attention to the fact that they are dirty diaper factories?

So... the diaper is only 3/4 full? Cool, I've totally got time before I have to change it. (Note: if this were actually a working diaper fullness gauge, I would totally think about buying it.)

OK, the ironic hipster screen printed fake ipod and headphones are bad enough. But add a bad pun and a poopoo reference and you have a sh*tstorm (no pun intended) of tacky going on.

So there you have it. The madre and I have gotten quite the chuckle out of trading these back and forth. Friends, if you see anything along similar lines while you are out and about, please text me a picture to add to my collection.

Just don't you dare purchase it.

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Follow up: You may be saying to yourself, "Geez, self, KVH is pretty ornery about what she will deign to put her precious future offspring in! What the hell is good enough for her?" Stay tuned for the next post about the adorable and amazing clothing I've found for my precious BayVH.

Pregnancy Problems: Oversharers

There are some things that you find out about the nature of people when you are in the midst of one of life's major milestones. For example, I remember when I was engaged, I couldn't believe how much people I barely knew wanted to hang on every detail of my wedding plans. As a somewhat apathetic bride when it came to things like flower arrangements and cake design (my mom can attest to that - sorry madre), I was incredulous at the idea that Random Coworker actually wanted to hear me tell her about my dress for 10 minutes. Naturally, I obliged and was happy to discuss wedding plans when asked, but inside I was kinda like, "Um... it's just a wedding."

Well, that's sort of how I'm reacting to being pregnant (now that the initial freakout has worn off, that is). "Um... I'm just pregnant." People suddenly ask how I'm feeling all the time, offer to help me carry things, avoid me like the plague when they're under the weather so I don't catch it... the works. And there are people in my life who basically have no other topic of conversation with me than the baby and my pregnancy. Um, hello! The rest of me besides my uterus and its contents is still here! Work's great, thanks for asking! I just finished a great book! What's new with you?

Anyway, one side effect of these baby-obsessed people is that the ones who have actually had children think you want to hear all about their pregnancies. Even people you barely know! Case in point:

Scene: A Junior League event, Wednesday night, 7 pm, at someone's house. Everyone but me and the other pregnant girl is drinking wine. We are all enjoying hors d'oeuvres. I am talking with three girls I don't really know. Two are younger than I am and not married, and one is married with a baby. Everyone finds my pregnancy super interesting and cute. The married girl with a baby, who will henceforth be known as Batshit (waitforit), starts sharing her insights with me.

Batshit: OMG, you have to get this one stroller, it's called the __________ (no idea, sorry.) It's absolutely the best, it's so light, you can fold it up with one hand and put it in the car in two seconds, blahblahblah...
Me: Thanks so much for the suggestion! I'll have to check it out!
Batshit: OK so now this might be a little much for me to talk about (ya think!?!)... but are you having a scheduled C-section or a vaginal delivery?
Me: [in my mind: Um, what was your name again, crazypants?] Well, we don't have a need for a scheduled c-section as of now, so.. um.. (actively trying to avoid saying the word vaginal at a JUNIOR LEAGUE SOCIAL EVENT)
Batshit: Well, if you're gonna do vaginal (can't we just call it 'natural', crazy?) I have some advice on what you gotta do so you don't tear all the way from one hole to the other.
[Cue PRICELESS if somewhat confused looks on the poor younger unmarried girls' faces. I smile sympathetically at them, the poor lambs.]
Me: Um, maybe we should get coffee sometime and chat about this one on one! (as if)
Batshit: Well let me just tell you, you gotta go down to Whole Foods or somewhere and find some all-natural organic oil. I used jojoba oil but you could use Vitamin E, anything moisturizing really. And then you need to apply it every day (I'll let you imagine where, as well as her vivid hand gestures) I did it every day and I didn't have a single problem during delivery. Everyone I know who used it didn't tear.
Me: Thanks for the advice! Oh look, are those cream puffs?

I mean, y'all. Really. This is a conversation I would totally be willing to have in another situation. Like, in the privacy of someone's home. With someone whose name I remember perhaps.

This is the most extreme but certainly not the only similar example of women who have had children providing me with explicit details about their pregnancy and symptoms and horror stories and nether regions. Is this what I have to look forward to? Is delivery so gross that it so drastically alters my outlook on the world that I think discussing rubbing oil on your vajay is appropriate social conversation??

No, you know what? Don't tell me. I've got roughly 18 weeks of blissful pregnant ignorance before that shit goes down. Let me enjoy it in peace.

Notes from Afar

Hey kids! God bless technology - I am posting this from a beach chair in Turks and Caicos. The Hubs and I are fortunate to have the opportunity to take a "babymoon," which is a stupid term but great idea.

Because Hubs has to plan his vacation weeks so far in advance, we've been planning to go somewhere for a while. Our original plan was a grownup trip to Orlando to do Disney and Harry Potter world before we got saddled with kids. Then we got saddled with a kid, so that plan was out. Apparently they frown on pregnant women on roller coasters? Whatever.

Anyway, here we are. We are having a great time - beach, pool, spa, snorkeling trip tomorrow - and it seems odd to think that this isn't how future vacations will go. Don't get me wrong; I plan to be the type of parents who go away alone sometimes, so I'm sure we'll have other two person getaways in our lives - but this is the last one where we won't be calling home to check on the little guy, buying souvenirs for him, and more excited to get home and see him than we were to get away.

So here's to the last trip where we can be totally selfish. (Ok not totally selfish, otherwise I'd be drinking a real freaking daiquiri instead of this bullshit virgin smoothie... But you know what I mean.)

I'll end with a piece of advice regarding pregnant swimwear: I recommend going whole hog and sporting that bikini, but know this: your bump sticks up farther than it used to while you're laying out, so it will get burned. Pack a maternity tankini as a backup.
kvhd

Maternity Clothes Are Awesome.

Y'all. I am about to share some serious state secrets with you. A lot of things about being pregnant suck it big time, but I found a major silver lining. Get ready.

First of all, those of you who haven't been pregnant should know that once you are pregnant, every woman you encounter who has been pregnant before will do one of two things: a) give you tons of unsolicited advice, or b) complain to you about how awful everything was when she was pregnant. Both are super helpful.

Anyway, one of the things people complain about is maternity clothes, and just getting bigger in general. As women most of us are at least a little concerned about our bodies and how we look for most of our adult lives. It comes with female territory, unfortunately. I am no different and have struggled with body image crap periodically in my life, so needless to say, switching to maternity clothes was not high on my list of "yay!" moments during this pregnancy.

However, as my waistline started to increase, I began to find that wearing a tight camisole under my shirt to hold together my unbuttoned pants would no longer cut it on a daily basis. I sucked it up and hit the maternity stores a few weeks ago.

Now, I know I'm in a much better position than pregnant women were a generation ago (thanks for the stories about Mexican embroidered muumuus and sailor tops, Mom!), and it's true that many of the mass retail chains now have maternity lines, but that doesn't mean their selection is stellar. So in addition to hitting Old Navy and GAP and Target for a few basics, I went to a dedicated maternity boutique to find some pants and a dress for a friend's upcoming wedding. I walked sheepishly into the store, dejected and mumbling and with totally low expectations.

How did I emerge from the store 40 minutes later? Triumphantly converted. Y'all. Maternity pants are awesome.

This is a secret I felt should be shared with the world so naturally I texted my college friends:
March 9, 11:06 am
Me: Attention: maternity stores sell designer brand jeans with the stretchy waistband. They are basically the greatest thing ever and you should all buy some. You can wear tight skinny jeans and not have a roll. 
AP: Score!
KK: Um what
Me: Yeah. I am never not wearing them again. The stretchy part goes all the way up so your stomach looks totally smooth.
KK: Amazing
SB: I feel like this shouldn't be the first we are hearing about this!
KK: I know!
MV: Haha, f*** North Korea, these are real state secrets!
KK: Bahahhaah a
MP: Yeah for no mom jeans!

Seriously... why don't all pants come with a stretchy maternity band all the time?? As someone who has never been stick-skinny and always held some weight around her middle, I have been self-conscious about tight waistbands and fitted shirts for years. This solves the problem because it pairs cute, skinny, dark wash jeans with a non-roll-inducing band. Genius.

In general, having a belly everyone recognizes as containing a baby has done wonders for my body image. I figured I would hide from my mirror and lament my newfound girth. Au contraire! Fitted top? No problem - my stomach is CUTE now! Bathing suits for our trip to the Caribbean? Bring them on! It's an amazing new experience for me to feel this way.

Now, I realize that I'm only halfway through my pregnancy, and I may be singing a vastly different tune come July, when it's hot as hell and I'm as big as a house. For the time being, though, I'm going to kick back on a beach in the Caribbean for the next five days feeling great about my clothes, stretchy bands and all.
 

And We Have Ourselves A...

So kids, here's the story. Prior to last Friday, I'd been to exactly three doctor's appointments related to this baby. When we found out we were pregnant over the Christmas holidays, and I was freaking out overjoyed, I of course wanted to immediately get myself to the doctor's office to confirm the pregnancy, make sure everything was ok, etc. Here's the problem, though: they won't schedule you prior to 8 weeks. That meant I had to wait about 3 weeks - not drinking, feeling kinda crappy, and lying to people on a daily basis - before I could be sure that this was happening. Without a doctor's confirmation - never mind that Hubs is a resident, I mean a real live OB-GYN - it just wasn't totally real yet. Plastic stick with a plus sign on it? Not enough evidence for this girl.

Cut to the first appointment. We go into the ultrasound room with the very nice sonographer, and she puts the thingie onto my still-flat stomach (oh who are we kidding, my stomach was never flat. Sigh.) and suddenly there is this bean looking thing and we hear heartbeat sounds. Scuse my French, y'all, but shit got real.

Compared to that, the two appointments since then have been boring. Listened to the heartbeat, discussed the permanent hangover morning sickness I'd been struggling with, and boom - out the door.

Well. Friday's appointment was the kicker because we went in for an anatomy scan, which means checking out all the baby's parts and finding out if we had ourselves a boy or girl. I was pretty excited, but also relatively nervous - both out of worry that something might be wrong, and because if I'm totally honest, I was slightly biased towards having a girl. I know you're not supposed to say that - "as long as it's healthy, I don't care" is the accepted phraseology, I believe? - but I didn't have a sister, and girl clothes are cuter. Sue me.

Anyway, I was expecting that with all the myriad advances in medical technology, this would be some sort of high definition movie-type experience. Not so much. For the majority of the ultrasound, I relied solely on what the sonographer told me I was seeing. A few things were pretty obvious - skull, spine, hands - but for the most part it looked, as my dad put it, like an ink blot test.

I'm really glad Hubs has looked at lots of adult ultrasounds, because he was totally into it. Apparently this tiny gray blob was the heart, and you could "clearly" see all four chambers, and blood from from the aorta moving through the ventricles... are you asleep yet? I was too. Not exactly the heart-stoppingly magical experience I'd expected. The long and short of it was that our baby was "boring," according to the fetal specialist doctor, because everything was developing normally. (Side note: thanks, fetal specialist? I mean, I guess it'd be less boring for you if there was something wrong with my kid, but I'm pretty happy we didn't add any excitement to your day.)

Oh, and to finish the title, our little guy was not at all shy about sharing himself with us. Add "male parts" to the list of body parts I needed no help to see for myself.

So there you have it, kids. Bring on the blue! Despite my earlier comments about hoping for a girl, I've really gotten excited about having a sweet, chubby, cuddly little boy. I keep hearing they're easier, too, which may be a nice way to start off this whole parent journey. I'm going to trust that we've been given exactly what's right for us where we are now.

BayVH

See, here's the deal. I'm preggo with my first baby, and I'm not really interested in being all sunshine and roses and "look, I'm glowing" about it. Don't get me wrong; I'm PSYCHED to become a mom. I just also know that if I don't have a place to vent about the hilarious/ridiculous/REAL shit that goes down when you're pregnant, I might explode.

So if you're interested in hearing about how I've been eating all organic vegetables because my body is a temple to my baby... move along. Girlfriend basically has no interest in any form of vegetable healthier than a Caesar salad drenched in dressing.

I actually found out I was pregnant on Christmas morning. It was kind of a shock to the system for a few days - not out of the realm of possibility for the Hubs and me, but not totally anticipated either - and honestly, it took me a bit to get psyched. Here are the things that helped me get excited about the enormous change my life is about to go through:

1. Telling my family. They were all surprised and so excited! It ruled. I told my parents almost immediately, and then told my brothers and grandparents after our first doctor's appointment. Realizing I was bringing so much joy to my family - and that they have my back on this - was a big boost.

2. Realizing the baby will be born at the beginning of football season and therefore I can dress it solely in Saints-themed baby attire for the first 6 months of its life. I'm not kidding. Knowing this helped me get excited a lot.

3. Telling my friends. This was pretty much the best because my friends are awesome. (And also, probably the only people reading this blog... hey kids!) Case in point:

(Group text with college friends, January 31)
Me: Hello ladies! Exciting news! Carter and I are expecting! No worries though, the baby's due in August so I will be at A's wedding with bells on!!! (Side note: being at A's wedding is a PRIORITY and was one of my chief concerns when I saw the plus sign on that damn test.)
MP: It's a good thing we had that baby chat in November! :) super excited for you guys!!!!
AP: Ahh!! Congrats!!!
MP: Bring on baby v-- h--- d----
Me: I believe the term we agreed upon was BayVH. (Side note: Thanks to MV and MP for that nickname... the baby can be D---- once it comes out, it's BayVH til then.)
AP: Love!!
KK: Hahahahah I was like whyyyy do I have a zillion texts, YAY!!!!!!! Bebeeeeee
SB: Ahhh! That is super super exciting! I can't wait to have another little person to buy adorable things for :) (especially UVA themed things)
KK: So many smocked things to purchase
NN: YAYYYYy yayyyyyy congrats TBirddddd!!!!!!! :D (Side note: we use lots of exclamation points and extraneous letters in our texts.)
MV: The sex worked

...it goes on for a while but I'll go ahead and stop there.

I am paving the way with this whole baby thing for some of my groups of friends, and actually the blog was my college friends' idea, hatched at an engagement party where I was sober and my friends were singing at my belly. Dirty sorority songs. Loudly. It was awesome.

Just in general though, I have incredible friends in my life - and you are all so excited for me it makes my head spin. If you want to hear snarky comments about the ridiculous side of growing a kid, I will deliver. Just please come visit both before I morph into a mama and afterwards.

Anyway, I'm a little late in starting this because I'm already 18 weeks along and 2 hours away from the appointment where I find out what I'm having. But I hope this is a good start to what will be a thorough, (I hope) funny, and straight up account of being knocked up.

Love you all!
kvh(d)